Warning: this may trigger some it is not my intention but this is a personal story of transition and may invoke emotion. If you need help or support please reach out to someone. I care and many others do as well.
Just when things look like they are over…
an opportunity for a fresh beginning has arrived.
Let’s face it… it was not rainbows and lollipops that lead me into this career path of self love and mindset transformarion coaching. It was the the need to change so I could move from sufferinng to surviving to thriving.
It was the dissappintments and the hard stuff in life that forced me to grow stronger. I’ve always been a fighter. Mostly for other people. I’ve always been the positive person for others. But the reality is I struggled to do it for myself.
The camel that broke my back…
It wasn’t until facing multiple hardships in a row that I emotional could not deal with one more thing. Prior to 2016 we dealt with Infertility, multiple injuries Rodney sustained ending his career as an EMT, family issues I won’t air that put us in a position to carry more of a load emotionally and monetarily. The loss of our fur family one after another 5 years in a row. The loss of family members and friends.
It wasn’t until my concussion in December of 2018 that truly put my life into perspective. When you suddenly can’t feel joy, motivation, or happiness it changes you. When all you feel is dark sadness, disassociation, and the inability to communicate properly to the ones you love you experience life from a new perspective. A deeper appreciation arises through the sadness, isolation, and disconnect.
I couldn’t fake my happy face anymore. My bucket was overflowwing. I felt lost and sad. Angry and resentful. I felt broken and unworthy when it got to it’s worse. When I was able to take an honest look at myself and my feelings I knew I had to start pouring love back into my heart and mind. So in 2016 I began one simple practice. Meditation. I started meditating with no clue what I was doing and slowly this process of sitting still lead me directly to where I am today. It wasn’t easy shifting from this mindset. I would lie if I said it was. However, It was 100% worth it.
The last four years you’ve seen all the growth take place if you’ve been watching. You’ve likely observed some of the hardships too. If you are really close to me you experienced first hand some of the difficulties I’ve had to overcome behind the scenes to attain the growth. We all need support and love. Where we tend to miss out on it the most is from ourselves. I learned that the hard way. I want to make it easier for others.
I got tired of feeling bad, sad, angry, anxious, resentful, jealous, and depressed. I got tired of feeling alone. Of feeling not good enough. I got so tired of it I began to idealize suicidal thoughts again and would start getting in my car and driving off for hours sometimes into other states to try and get away from what I was feeling. Behind those intense emotions and thoughts were the real message. I didn’t really want to die. I just wanted to stop feeling the unbearable amount of guilt, shame, and lack of self worth that I was submerged in at that moment. I wanted far away from it but I would have to go through it to achieve that.
The first time I had suicidal idealization I was 11 or 12. I remember sitting against my door crying thinking no one cared and that I didn’t matter. I’ve never shared this until today. The funny part I can tell you how it felt but not why I felt that way then. I had no idea. I just felt bad. This is my first time sharing this and there is a reason why.
Your current end of the chapter could be creating a twist to a new beginning. Not everything is as it seems. We can put a plot twist on anything really. What feels bad and uncomfortable can be used as leverage to take you to your next level of growth and prosperity. I know when in a certain mindset that is extremely hard. It’s hard to hear let alone act on I truly understand. I want to encourage you with my story that if you are struggling and suffering it is possible to leverage that pain and move forward in life. Easy no. Worth it yes. And it does get easier. Like anything we learn it is hard at first but through practice we can become masters. Keep growing. You’re worth it.
Even this celery was at it’s end…until it was given a new opportunity to live and grow. You deserve that opportunity. I love you. You are worth being here and taking up space. I never fit in either and that’s okay. I gave myself permission to carve out my own space and encourage you to do the same. Sometimes we aren’t meant to fit in we are meant to stand out. You are so loved. The way you love others, love yourself. You are deserving of this love and affection.
Because of the work I do I only have 10 openings a week for individual one one appointments. I have a few more openings this week if you would like to connect email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will be in touch.
A little bit of love goes a long way.
All my love-Amie